You Should Write A Book Kat


About 4 years ago my dear beloved Aunt Ruth Mae had stopped to visit me and my children as she was passing through Kansas. She sat across from me in a rocker and I was on the couch with Meagan in my tiny apartment. We hadn't talked very long and she looked at me seriously and said, "You should write a book Kat."

I was a little taken back. I kind of laugh uncomfortably, thinking to myself that she was kidding so I should go along with the joke. She said again, " You should write a book Kat." She said it a second time, ......she was serious! I must have had that "deer in the headlights" look because she said as though she were reading my mind......."No, I'm serious".

"What would I write about Aunt Ruth?"

"Well, I think all the things you've been through in your life dear. I find it amazing how well you're doing considering all the things you've been through recently, not to mention what you've been through in your life." She paused and I thought she was done. But she wasn't and I was glad she wasn't, it gave me more time to process what she was saying.

"I think you have a lot to say to people, tell people how you survived all of this, survived so many things and are still intact. How did you survive, Kat.....how did you do it? What kept you going, what gave you the strength?"

I became a "deer" again. So many things were going through my head. First of all I didn't feel as though I had done anything so extraordinary that I was qualified to write a book about any of it. Second, how did I survive? A good question. I was pretty sure I knew what she wanted to hear from me. She wanted to hear me say "God". And I was inclined. But for me it was not that simple. For her it was. So I was busy censoring my answer in my head. Here sat the woman whom I adored, respected, admired and love deeply. I wanted my answer to please her, but I wanted it to be honest. I wasn't sure the two would be the same.

It's not that I don't believe that god helped me, I do. My answer, my feeling about "HOW" was not simple. I did my censoring and answered her. "God", I said. My true feeling on the subject is that we are all a part of our creator and he is in us. We are never separate, his power is given to us and never taken from us, ever....no matter what. I believe that what happens is we have the freedom of choice to stay connected or to disconnect from that power that is always within us, always, unwavering. It is our choice and ours alone to disconnect. I believe we all have different paths to staying connected. We are all different human beings and different paths are inevitable, the destination is the same. Some go to church, for others creating, solitude, prayer, meditation, fishing, running, cycling, music ....the list goes on and on. I knew that my Aunt wanted, as well as most of my family, wanted me to go back to church. I know that there was a lot of hope that all of the tragedies that my children and I had suffered would bring me back church, back to God. But the reality for me is that I felt as though I had found a powerful and poignant connection to God through the tragedy. Without having found that connection I never would have survived. I would not have survived being molested for a year in a day care when I was five. I would not have survived being molested in my own bed at 13 by my brother in law. I would not have survived being raped at 16. I would not have survived an abusive and controlling husband, the loss of my sons Bret and Adam. I would not have survived the near loss by drowning of my son Chris. I would not have survived my daughter Meagan's rape and rape trial or her near death in a car accident 2 weeks after Adams death or her subsequent disability or the four years of rehabilitation. I would not have survived all the little losses, too numerous to mention, that only added insult to injury. Loss of home, loss of job, vehicle and finances and children all within a short period of time. I did it all without pharmaceutical assistance. I didn't otherwise engage in any self destructive behaviors. I learned to meditate. I learned to control my emotions, not let them control me. I cycled like crazy when I had the time. And when I had a quiet moment at the end of the day and everything was done, I cried - but never for too long. There were some days I didn't want to get out of bed. There were some days I didn't get out of bed. But I allowed myself those days because I needed them to recover. I needed the time to lick my wounds. But I set a time limit and made myself get up when the time was up. I told myself that I didn't want to just survive.......surviving is innate. We are born with that instinct. What sets us apart is the ability to flourish after surviving.

I have never written these things down. I have never really even said them out loud, all at once. Now, having done so, I do think I have something to share. I used to think that only people who have the "Oprah Winfrey" endings are really qualified to write a book. I don't think we need the Hollywood ending to validate us. I don't believe I have the talent to write a book, but I do think I have learned and grown from my experiences. That is success. That is flourishing. I have the right to worship God in the way that works for me, without reprisal. I have earned the right to feel proud of myself, and I do .....feel proud of myself - with or without the Oprah ending.

I don't know that I will write a book Aunt Ruth, but I may write a few chapters. I love you and thank you for your never ending, unconditional support and love.