Good Intentions

I have a friend, Lynn, who has also lost a son. He was about 21, the same age as my son Adam when he died. Once in a while on our way into work or home from work, we talk about out sons. Sometimes one of us has had a bad day, or maybe something has reminded us of our sons, or sometimes nothing has to happen, we just miss them, we talk about them. One subject that comes up again and again are people who intent to say something soothing,wise or compassionate about our sons passing, but instead and most often, unintentionally say something insensitive.

Here's a short list of the things I hear most often:

He's in a better place.

At least you had some time with him.

It's good that you have other children.

Well, you can have other children.

It was his time.

He's an angel now, he can watch over you.

Just talk about the good stuff.

The list literally goes on and on. I even had an ex-sister in law tell me that her daughter that passed (car accident) is there to help Adam progress in the afterlife. My son committed suicide. The inference was that her daughter was placed above my son in the "levels" of the afterlife because my son committed the "sin" of suicide, (her words not mine). Whatever one believes or does not believe put aside, how someone could be so condescending to judge my son and then have the audacity to say such a thing to me.......could she possibly have believed she was saying something comforting to me?

For all of those out there who have never lost a child, don't try and be comforting. Don't say trite things to try and make us feel better. Our child is gone. It is not a natural thing. It is a void that can't be filled with another child or our remaining children, or with platitudes. What we need from others is not condescension, judgement or advice on our childs death, especially from those who have never lost a child and cannot begin to fathom that loss.

What you can do is tell us you love us, tell us you will be there for us if we need anything. Let us talk without interupting, advising, or judging. Don't treat us suddenly as though we have the plague and tiptoe around us. We need continuity, we need something to be the same, when so much feels lost and chaotic. If we need time alone, give it to us. If we need to be kept busy, then help keep us busy. If we suddenly for seemingly no reason start to cry, hand us a kleenex and a shoulder. Let us tell you what we need.

I have my own spirtual beliefs. My friend Lynn has her own beliefs. They are a little different, and we respect those differences. But what we do share is an experience that has bonded us. We each morn our sons passing in our own way. We each comfort ourselves in our own way. She has helped me in ways she can't imagine. She has listened, shared her pain with me without trite platitudes, judgement or condescension. She understands like no one else does. She is compassionate, loving, patient and a great listener. Thanks Lynn.